The time has come for me to make a decision.
Well I don't really have to make a decision if you get technical about it. More like it, I have to accept a decision that was never really mine to make anyway.
When April 2005 rolls around (and it is going to be here before we know it), I am 99% sure I won't be in Japan any longer. And it is killing me. I have come to accept that I cannot extend my visa nor get sponsorship beyond this time, but I haven't yet been able to accept that this means I will not be living, working, sleeping, breathing in Japan.
The only thing that will save me from becoming an illegal alien is a miracle - either that or me meeting and marrying the man of my dreams, who would have to be Japanese, within the next 3 or so months, so that I can get s spousal visa. With my current strike rate on dating in Japan, I am hedging all hope on the miracle - I could probably conceive immaculately before meeting date/marriage/sex worthy material here in Japan (gaijin or local!).
So really the "only" decision I have to make is what I will do after Japan - and when I get down to it, perhaps this is what is making me so scared about leaving here begin with. Sure, I also don't want to exit this country because of reasons like I will downright miss this place, the people, the lifestyle etc etc etc...but also leaving here means making a decision about my immediate future, and also how this will lead onto my longterm plans ('What longterm plans?' my mind is asking).
While I am still in Japan, I have an excuse for not "getting on" with my life. I have no expectations on me here, I have no-one to live up to, I have no responsibilities. The idea of simply moving to another country, other than Oz, is appealing, as it means I can still continue on in a similar carefree fashion - and to me it is like I am buyinjg more time in order not to think about this until much further down the track (oh yes, I am very good at putting important decisions off...).
Moving home means I have to make a decision on these matters. My problem at the moment is, I canj't decide if I am ready to do that or not.