Ok...so I'm freaking out. It seems I can write anything I want to at the moment EXCEPT my Lonely Planet project which is due in 2 days. And I have a mammoth load still to do of it but I'm in that mood that I figure the longer I stay up I can kinda forget about it or something weird and illogical like that. So yeah now it is 1am Monday morning. DOH!
I feel guilty too cause my posts on here have been a tad shallow of late - my easy way of still posting something without having to really think about what I am writing. I feel bad when I don't post on here, and when I know I am filling space with dodgy photos and recapping my escapades. Barely hard hitting and thought provoking journalism.
I think I have given the impression to everybody around me of late that my life is perfect right now. And it is. It so really is - it is unbelievable. I can't remember when I have felt so good about everything and so sure of it. But I have realised that could all be taken away in 48 little hours. I feel like I am about to fall off the top of Everest. I also feel this stupid, kind of threatening pressure from something that I really shouldn't at all. Troy and Cliff are about to get their business going together, which is absolutely fantastic (this has been Troy's dream for Japan) and the other day Troy said to me "Wow, we're all about to start our dream jobs." (although techincally I am sure Cliff's dream job is in music making somewhere, and will most definitely be someday) and I agreed cause I had been thinking it too.
I feel pressure from the fact that their business will with certainty be a roaring success, without going into any detail about it because I can't really until they have got legal things out of the way, and there is every chance that my opportunity will pass me by. And Troy so strongly believes in me to get this job, which makes me feel even more sadder because if I don't get it, it is not that I will be so crushed, it is just that selfishly I will feel like a complete failure with them getting their business off the ground and me...well...um teaching English. Or hostessing, which is more likely due to visa issues.
And when it comes down to it, I feel like I'm being too self-centred worrying about this when I know one of my best friends back home is going through something a lot worse than me wishing for this job. I feel like I have been a little too much me, me, me of late, and I also feel helpless I can't offer her a solution, or even be with her. Earlier tonight, I read a post she had written on her blogsite and it really upset me to know how low she is feeling, when she really doesn't deserve to feel like it at all. I just hope she can somehow believe me when I say it will get better. Although for different reasons, I understand what she is going through and I understand about pretending. I think I even wrote about it on one of my first posts on here last year.
So it is now Monday morning and this is what I'm thinking about. And with every minute that goes by, Tuesday gets just a little closer...
So I have a number of options right now:
1. Go to bed now, sleep as long as I need to tomorrow then get up and stay up all night tomorrow night if necessary and finish this LP project.
2. Start working on my LP stuff now, go as long as I can, then go to bed, and then....see 1 above.
3. Keep surfing the Net and researching Mr. DJ Kimura stuff and fool myself into thinking I am doing something productive. Just be content knowing I will get LP done.
4. Keep on the blog and keep telling myself this is what I really need to be concentrating on now.
5. Go back to googling my name and this site name and see what comes up. Always fun and guaranteed to make me feel good.
Decisions, decisions. I think this calls for a Chu-hi.